As you're reading this post, we'll be at the Carolinas Fertility Institute as new patients undergoing the initial process of IVF.
Here's the story of our journey so far.
We started talking about starting a family in May of 2014, about ten months after we were married. We had started to settle in our new home in the Carolinas, and although we still had a lot of remodeling underway we started the discussions.
Then, in August 2014 my hubby had a job offer from a Christian ministry and television network and he accepted. We felt secure, and ready the next month to start trying to conceive. That month and all the months after I tested, we got a BFN.
After a year, we discussed that we were having trouble conceiving with our doctor, and he referred us to an RE (reproductive endocrinologist), and we started the process of three IUI's.
IUI Timeline
May '14 Started talking about starting a family
Sep '14 Started trying to conceive (ttc)
Apr '15 went to see family doctor for annual check up, he referred us to REACH
May 11th '15 blood work and vaginal ultrasound
Jun 8th '15 HSG (good results)
Aug 8th '15 blood work and vaginal ultrasound. Hubby had his blood work and a SA done (neither of us had any genetic abnormalities)
Sep 30th '15 Consult with Dr.Wing
Oct 5th '15 blood work and vaginal ultrasound cd4
Oct 5th-9th started a cycle of Clomid (my side effects: hot flushes, hand eye co-ordination was off)
Oct 13th '15 blood work and vaginal ultrasound cd12 11mm, 14mm, 19mm follicles. Grow 1-2mm a day.
Oct 14th '15 Ovidrel trigger shot
Oct 16th '15 first IUI
Oct 31st '15 pregnancy test BFN (negative)
Nov 3rd '15 blood work and vaginal ultrasound cd3
Nov 3rd-7th second cycle of Clomid
Nov 13th '15 blood work and vaginal ultrasound cd 13 18mm from LO, 18mm from RO and lot's under 10mm.
Nov 14th '15 Ovidrel Trigger Shot
Nov 16th '15 second IUI
Nov 29th '15 pregnancy test BFN.
Dec 5th '15 blood work and vaginal ultrasound cd3
Dec 5th- 9th third cycle of Clomid
Dec 15th '15 blood work and vaginal ultrasound 23mm from RO and lot's under 12mm.
Dec 15th '15 Ovidrel Trigger Shot
Dec 17th third IUI
Dec 17th '15 Hemorrhagic shock admitted to Novant Presbyterian Medical Center
Dec 31st '15 pregnancy test BFN.
When I was admitted to Novant Presbyterian Medical Center, I was in hemorrhagic shock from my uterus due to the medications I took when I underwent my 3rd IUI.
After our three failed IUI's and some time to heal from hemorrhagic shock, we kept listening to everyone's "advice". I know that people mean well when they say;
"well you could just adopt"
but in hindsight, I wouldn't recommend starting the adoption process until you've healed from your infertility losses.
So we started looking at our adoption options:
International
Adopting internationally requires that you meet requirements for both the United States, and the country you adopt from - two federal governments. It can be expensive, lengthy, and the adoptee's country has the right to deny at any time.
Domestic Newborn
Adopting a newborn domestically requires a birthmother to make the decision to give away her baby to adoptive parents via an agency. The birthmothers already made the decision to give life, and not abort their baby. They also choose the family that will raise their child.
Different states have varying laws, but in North Carolina you'd be responsible for all birth mother expenses - medical care, housing, transportation, counseling, clothing etc. but there's no law that allows you to get a re-imbursement if the birthmother chooses not to give away her child. It can be expensive, and risky.
Domestic Foster Care
There are over 108,000 children in the United States foster care system waiting to be adopted. Oftentimes, their parent's have lost or relinquished their rights. The children are oftentimes in sibling groups and may have physical or emotional difficulties.
Adopting from the foster care system is inexpensive, as the state helps with the costs. Also, depending on each child's situation they may qualify for free medical care, and state college tuition.
In 2016, we started attending meetings at the Children's Home Society of North Carolina for several months. But eventually the advisors told us that it was unlikely we'd be able to adopt a child, under 2, whose parents have lost all their rights, without medical issues like FAS (fetal alcohol syndrome) or addictions to other street drugs.
Honestly, it felt overwhelming at the time, especially as we were still trying to process the thought that we may never have a biological child of our own.
Then we found out about a private Christian adoption agency called Saint Mary's and began the process of putting together our documents to adopt a child/sibling group from Poland. We chose Poland out of the choice of Eastern European countries because my great-grandmother Ortrud Heier, nee Otto was born in Tanz, Silesia (now Poland) and we liked the people and culture.
But the adoption paperwork was difficult, for lack of a better word, because I was born In South Africa, and to get several copies of my UBC (unabridged) birth certificate took many, many months, whereas my hubby's took a check and several days.
During the wait, we learned that if you adopt from Poland, one of us (me), would've had to live there in-between the two court dates (several months), for the majority of the time with the child/children alone. The expense was the least of our worries, but becoming a parent to a child/children who don't speak English, without my hubby there, (because he would have to be in the US to work) was quite overwhelming.
For this reason we prayed and decided to wait until we felt ready, and healed enough to pursue adoption.
In 2017, we decided to take a years break from any decisions, and it was the best decision we've ever made. We had a year where we didn't have to be poked, prodded, evaluated, etc. by doctors and interviewed by adoption agencies. During this time God healed our hearts.
But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds,’ declares the LORD"
Jeremiah 30:17
We grew a lot last year and learned to trust in God, and his timing. Over the last twenty-four months since my 3rd IUI and hemorrhagic shock we have healed. We have learned to accept that we may or may not be parents, and that is up to God, not us.
We grew as a couple, in patience and understanding. Which is a virtue that has helped us tremendously since we've started building our farmhouse. We haven't succumbed to timelines or deadlines, we're just waiting patiently for whenever its built and ready for us to move in. Obstacles seem so irrelevant and easy to overcome.
In 2018, we now know that the timing is much better, to at least try IVF with ICSI, to see if we can create embryo's, and to see if any will stick and make us first time parents.
If it doesn't work, it's not God's will, even though I'd like to think we'd make good parents. .
So, today, as we go into our appointment at Carolinas Fertility Institute, we have to remember how far we've come, and how far we've yet to go. I'd like to take you all along on this journey, and we only ask for one thing, your support and prayers.
Hugs,
Kiki Nakita
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